A Straunge and Terrible Wunder (hellmutt) wrote in p_t_mah,
A Straunge and Terrible Wunder

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*de rigeur mad-scientist laugh*

My plan is this.

I have developed a toxin deadly to Mary Sues but harmless to the average Joe. I've code-named it Lollipop-X.4, both for the sacharine sweetness of the Sues I despise and as a pun on Lollipop Guild/Munchkin. ("Munchkin", or "twink", is a term for a too-powerful character.)

Lollipop-X.4 works in several areas. It targets the protein effectors that regulate ocular colour-changing. It seeks out overtaxed scalp cells, such as might be seen with waist-length or longer hair. It also locks onto unnaturally high magical ability, as well as certain genetic markers proven to exist in the majority of Sues. Tests show Lollipop-X.4 is 99.2% effective in singling out Mary Sues - and more importantly, it never tests false positive, so powerful canon characters are completely safe.

All that remains is to administer the doses. This could be tricky to achieve, but I suggest that Legolas, Snape and various others be soaked in Lollipop-X.4 and then turned loose. Then all that remains is to sit back and watch the Sues drop like multi-coloured flies.

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Does it lock on to color-changing eyes as well?
Yes it does! With my JocularOcular (patent pending) targeting system, in fact.
I suggest targeting eyeliner residue and unnatural (blue, pink, purple) hair pigments. This would help rid the fandom of the pznks and gawths, I'm sure.

Have you developed any method of preventing a canon character from being transformed into a Mary Sue by fans?
Sadly, not yet.

Y'know, if the government would just part with some funding. "Pair of crackpot geeks", are we?! I'll show you! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!

Ahem. Sorry. I'm better now.
Hmm. But my family all has unnaturally long hair! Our eyes don't change color, though. Would we simply have to avoid our favorite characters? Or would the lack of changing eye-color save us?
Oh. No. The serum never gives false positives. It's designed to be completely harmless to real people (but not to Sues in real people fics).
Ahahahah. So as long as I keep my sister from ever writing another self-insert...